TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION, MENTION OF SUICIDE, DEATH
who would’ve thought that 2020 would be one wild, crazy mess of a year?
and we’re not even halfway through yet.
for the past month, i’ve been at home, occasionally popping out to do some grocery shopping, picking up medicine and trying to, for like 5 minutes, escape the hell that is home.
i’ve been bored out of my head. and my mental health is at serious risk of deteriorating.
there have been days, over the last couple weeks, where i could feel the waves of depression trying to rise back up again. days where i wanted to do nothing but cry, for absolutely no reason.
i figured maybe it’s because i’m scared about the future, scared about certain decisions i’m going to make. maybe it’s because i miss my boyfriend.
but it was deeper than that.
i try to ignore it though, when i feel it creeping around my mind like some sort of shadowy figure. because if i allow myself to delve into why i’m feeling the way i am, if i ponder over it, i will feel it. and i don’t want to feel it.
so i told myself that, more than anything, it was pure boredom. and being bored is a luxury. even when a part of me just wanted to sleep forever. not in a suicidal way. just . . . in an i want to escape way.
and i want to escape.
not really my life or anything. just where i am. and the feelings and the depression that i know will one day hit me again, hard.
i’ve been spending most days in bed, wasting away, similar to how i spent 2017–2018, so it’s no wonder those same old feelings are trying to resurface. to try and survive, or try and cure the boredom, the sinking feeling inside me, i’ve been bingeing Hannah Montana, That’s So Raven, The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, and Wizards of Waverly Place.
J and i got Disney+ together which was, like, the highlight of the past few weeks. days. endless days.
i put makeup on one day, just for the sake of it. it was fun, the whole process. (to all u stupid men who say us women wear makeup and dress up for you, go fuck yourselves because lol no we don’t.) (dickheads.)
there have been a few things which helped, have been helping rather.
like when J and i had a little drawing challenge and drew Disney characters. (i can’t believe he’s so good at drawing like wtf?? he told me he was shit. liar. men just lie unprovoked, honestly.) (but holy shit u guys should see his Lilo drawing 🤣 it’s scary.)
we also spend like every night watching movies together over skype.
(but tbf i spend most of the time the movie’s playing just staring at him. like you know when you just look at someone and you realise that this person is mine, and they picked me? they chose me. and this person is someone i want to spend a lifetime with, til the end of time and even after. you look at them and you just know that this is it. this is that pure, real love that’s worth everything.) because that’s how i feel about J, every time i look at him.
he makes me want to be more than i am, do better as well, to be the best version of myself. and he helps me in ways that i didn’t even know i needed, to make the best decisions for myself. he’s worth it all.
even if he does suck at this game we played together otp, and kept saying i cheated just because i beat him like . . . i dunno, 50 times lmaooo. what a loser.
he my loser tho. 🥰
i’ve also cooked a bit, trying to perfect my chicken curry skills. (it’s like the only curry i really like. i’m not a fan of meat, though chops are nice i guess. and meat with potato curry bangs. but. chicken curry >>>> everything.)
reading has like totally not been happening. actual physical books or ebooks. but i’ve been reading cliché stupid werewolf stories on wattpad and radish, like back in 2012/2013 time. those were shitty times still.
also i’ve been planning on the things i’m going to be baking. or trying to. may start of with brownies methinks. i love brownies. so much. especially bakedbysameera’s brownies mmmm i’ve ordered some for J and i. a little bit of heaven in this dark time.
speaking of dark times, god it’s so weird and scary. like the entire world has just stopped. everything’s just come to a standstill and it is so eerie. every phone call my parents get, it’s news that someone’s passed away. i’ve had people in the family pass away over the past few weeks, family friends, my dads friends as well. a man that visited my dad when he was in hospital passed away a few days ago.
it is terrifying and scary. and i just want this pandemic, this virus, to disappear from existence without ever coming back. i just want normalcy back.
and god, what about the nhs? i don’t want to turn my blog or this post political or anything. but what the fuck is the government doing to help our nhs? they need money, they need protective gear, they need more staff. they’re underfunded, understaffed and dying. and what the fuck is happening to help? oh right. every thursday, at 8pm people are clapping.
fat lot of good that does.
sure it’s a nice gesture but does it help? no.
what they need is ppe, and support from the government. it’s not enough. there’s been so many cuts over the years.
speaking of things not being enough, why do uni students not get enough support during this time? we still have to do our assignments, coursework and exams. when we have loved ones sick or dying. when our mental health is declining. during a goddamn epidemic. and certain unis are absolutely horrible to their students.
i don’t have anything positive to sign off this post with.
bakedbysameera is doing postal orders for her brownies, so be sure to check out her insta! and message her enquiring!! (i highly recommend the lindor and kinder brownies. they’re sensational!)
and i guess, take care of yourselves. it’s ok if you’re not able to be productive during this time. put yourself first. take care of your mental health first. stay safe.